Party First, Ask Questions Later

As composed by the children of Aragorn and Arwen during their stays with various extended family members.

The Nine Commandments of Grandfather Elrond
1. I will not tug on Grandfather's braids
2. Grandfather wears robes, not dresses or skirts.
3. I will not call Grandfather Lord Grandadddy.
4. I will not climb on Grandfather, he is not furniture.
5. I will not pull the beards of visiting Dwarves.
6. Just because Elves love nature, that doesn't mean I can track mud through the house.
7. I will not play with gold jewelry of any kind. Ever.
8. I will not tell anyone about Grandfather and Uncle Legolas' "archery practice"
9. I will not steal Uncle Glorfindel's Horse like Mother did.

The Nine commandments of Father Aragorn and Mother Arwen
1. My father is not a pervy hobbit fancier.
2. My Father is not an Elf-shagging bastard.
2b. Except for Mother.
3. My father is not a grease pan
4. I will not tell people about the Ringbearer visiting Father while Mother is away.
5. The Sword That Was Broken is Not a Butter knife
6. My father is not Uncle Legolas' slave. He is Uncle Pippin's Bitch.
7. Dwarven Beard Pulling is Not a Real Game.
8. Mother can do other things besides Embroider.
9. Father simply has many names, he does not have multiple personalities.

The Nine Commandments of Hobbit Uncles
1. I will not call Uncle Merry Aunt Merry even though Merry is such a girlie name.
2. Uncle Sam is not Uncle Frodo's Bitch.
3. Uncle Frodo is not Father's Bitch
4. I will not ask Uncle Pippin about Father's Bitch Status.
5. I will never refer to anything as precious.
6. I will not tell Great-Uncle Bilbo that "eleventy one" is not a real number.
7. Uncle Sam and Aunt Rosie are blessed with many children, they do not breed like rabbits.
8. Just because Uncles Pippin and Merry never married and live together that doesn't mean they are shagging each other.
9. SPIDERS ARE NOT FUNNY!

The Nine Commandments of Uncle Legolas
1. Uncle Legolas is not a girl.
2. Uncle Legolas is not Father's bitch.
3. Uncle Legolas is not Grandfather's bitch.
4. Uncle Legolas is not Uncle Gimli's bitch.
5. Uncle Legolas is not Uncle Frodo's bitch
6. Uncle Legolas is not Uncle Sam's bitch
7. Uncle Legolas is not Uncle Merry's bitch
8. Uncle Legolas is not Uncle Pippin's bitch
9. Uncle Legolas it not a pointy eared Vulcan
(Wait, wrong fandom ...)

The Nine Commandments of Uncle Gimli
1. Rocks are good.
2. Dwarven Ale is better than Elven Wine.
3. Uncle Gimli is not a Pervy Elf Fancier.
4. Diamonds are better than Emeralds.
5. Axes are better than swords.
6. I will not pull on Uncle Gimli's Beard.
7. The Glittering Caves are prettier than Fangorn Forest.
8. Just because dwarves wear helmets, that doesn't mean they're bald.
9. "Hammer and anvil" are tools, not euphemisms.

The Nine Commandments of Uncle Boromir
1. I will not ask Uncle Boromir if I can blow the Horn of Gondor.
2. I will not ask Uncle Boromir why he looks at Uncle Legolas like that.
3. Uncle Boromir is not dead.
4. Uncle Boromir is not really an uncle, we just call him that.
5. Uncle Boromir is Not Like Uncle Faramir "only dumber"
6. Uncle Boromir is not a Pervy Anything Fancier.
7. Uncle Boromir is not Father's Bitch
8. I will not call Uncle Boromir Uncle Faramir.
9. I will not pretend to shoot arrows at Uncle Boromir.

The Nine Commandments of Gandalf
1. I will not call Great Grandfather Gandalf "G-man"
2. "Gandalf Got Run Over By the Balrog" is not a funny song. *
3. Pulling on Great Grandfather Gandalf's beard makes his ears flap, but don't do it anyway.
4. DO NOT TOUCH THE FIREWORKS!
5. I will not correct Great Grandfather Gandalf when he calls me a "fool of a Took!"
6. Great Grandfather Gandalf's Staff is not a toy.
7. I will not ask Great Grandfather Gandalf about the pointy hat trick.
8. Great Grandfather Gandalf doesn't have multiple personalities either.
9. I will not call Great Grandfather Gandalf "Professor Dumbledor"

* Chorus

Gandalf got run over by the Balrog
Walkin' through the Mines of Moria
You can say there's no such thing as Balrogs,
But as for Master Frodo, he believes.

First Verse:

He was at the celebration
Where Bilbo Baggins disappeared
And in a glass box on the mantle,
The hobbit kept the ring that we all feared.

Opinions are always welcome!